Who's Your Daddy?
by Lucillia
Summary: In which Naruto has a different father or several, and also in which Orochimaru often runs semi-legitimate fertility experiments in order to cover up his genetic experiments.
1. Uchiha Fugaku

Fugaku warily watched as Orochimaru approached. Though the man was a fellow Konoha ninja, he found himself on guard against him. The vibes the man gave off around the Uchiha were unsettlingly similar to those of a fangirl, complete with the whole "I want your babies!" element that the fanboys generally lacked. Unfortunately, he had to deal with the man because as well as being a scientist, Orochimaru was also a medic with skills nearly on par with those of Tsunade-hime and exceedingly discreet to boot, and the problem he had been suffering through when he'd engaged the man's services was not something he wanted to bring to a woman.

"Fugaku! Just the man I wanted to see!" Orochimaru said with what may have been genuine cheer despite the fact that it seemed a bit forced when he reached him.

"What do you want?" He asked, forcibly tamping down his Sharingan which was struggling to activate as his fight or flight instincts kicked in.

"I've got good news and even better news!" Orochimaru exclaimed. "Which do you want first?"

"I'll take the good news." he said, having noted Orochimaru's slight twitch as he'd said "Even better news" and decided that he would need to receive the good news before he tried to kill Orochimaru over the "Even better news", otherwise he wouldn't get it.

"The good news is that I found the sample that you gave me for examination which my assistant had misplaced." Orochimaru said.

"What's the even better news?" he asked, wondering exactly how bad it would be.

"The injury you suffered after Itachi's conception didn't render you sterile." Orochimaru replied cheerfully.

"Oh, is that all? I learned that this morning when my wife came to tell me that she had been waiting until she was reasonably certain she wasn't going to have a miscarriage before she informed me she was pregnant." he said, figuring that it was that whole creepy stalker vibe that had made him think that Orochimaru had been giving him some bad news.

Deciding to get out of there before he turned his Sharingan on a fellow Konoha nin and started an incident as such things as turning one's Kekkei Genkai on a comrade were seen as a threat, he turned and walked away after a perfunctory "Thank you for your services".

"He took that better than I thought..." Orochimaru said as he watched Uchiha Fugaku walk away completely unconcerned about the fact that he was going to have a child born on the wrong side of the blanket in a few months. "Well, I'd better get back to the lab to make it in time for Kushina's appointment. She's gotten very testy since she was impregnated."

**Nine Months and Change Later:**

Minato sighed as he examined the small squalling creature that had come out of his wife's...his wife's...He wasn't going to think about that bit. Well, now that they knew for a fact that Kushina could get pregnant and stay pregnant without the Kyuubi killing the child, the next one was going to be his.

"Do you want to name him?" Kushina asked, having noticed that he was less than enthusiastic about this blessed event and apparently wanting him to participate in come capacity besides "The guy who's pushing the Kyuubi back in".

"Well, ever since I read Jiraiya-sensei's book, I've been partial to the name Naruto..." he mused.

"Naruto...I like it!" Kushina said as Biwako handed the cleaned up infant to her.

It was at that point that things went to hell.

"It looks like someone's been a very naughty girl!" the masked intruder who had killed the guards and the midwife and her assistants said as he examined the child he'd just snatched.

**Seven Years and Change after that:**

Mikoto watched as Fugaku angrily stormed up to the house carrying a familiar looking boy with dark red hair, grey eyes, and whisker marks on each cheek. Considering the fact that the man was covered in green paint, it was obvious that the Uzumaki child who was something of a holy terror had managed to prank her husband. Though why he had brought the child home with him rather than tossing him into one of the holding cells and waiting for ANBU to come and pick him up as the other officers who'd been on the wrong end of one of his pranks usually did, she didn't know.

"That son of a bitch! I'm gonna rip his heart out with a spoon, and then I'm gonna storm the afterlife and stab that bastard Minato repeatedly!" Fugaku yelled the instant he'd stomped through the door, holding a very spooked looking Uzumaki Naruto.

Quietly gathering Sasuke and Itachi, she shooed them out the back door. Fugaku rarely lost his temper like that, and when he did, people died. Lots of people.

"What's wrong dear?" she bravely said as she attempted to take the Uzumaki child whom her husband had such a tight grip on that he could barely breathe from Fugaku before he accidentally did something unfortunate and brought the Hokage's wrath down on their heads.

"My son!" Fugaku said as he got a firmer grip on the boy who was struggling to escape. "He's my son!"

This brought Mikoto and the Uzumaki child who had been wriggling his way out of Fugaku's arms up short. Mikoto went slightly pale as the full implications of what her husband was saying hit. Kushina, Kushina whose fault the Kyuubi attack was had...her husband had...and then Minato had...

She would've wanted revenge on both Kushina and her husband for being unfaithful and untrue, but to go so far as to do **that** to an innocent baby...

"I...I have a father?" A stunned and hesitant sounding Naruto said, tearing her out of her thoughts on the cruelty of the Yondaime who had apparently used his last act to get his revenge on his wife and her husband.

The amazed and hopeful look on the boy's face which - now that she thought about it - closely resembled her husband's tore at her heart and she found herself gathering both husband and child into a hug in spite of her anger at Kushina and what her husband had obviously done behind her back.

That was the start of Uchiha Naruto's first day in the Uchiha main family's household. Things soon found a new normal as Mikoto tried to treat the boy who was like a mini Kushina who had taken the old adage of "Don't get mad, get even" to heart as one of her own. Unfortunately for Sasuke who had grown used to being the baby of the family until he suddenly wasn't, he had been a frequent target of Naruto's retaliatory pranks. Itachi however immediately took to Naruto and seemed to be happy that he now had two little brothers to poke on the forehead and tell that he would train with later. Fugaku tended to spend a great deal of time at the office though, most likely to escape from the increasingly frequent arguments that erupted as he continued to protest his innocence in the matter and constantly insisted that there had been no affair despite the living, breathing evidence otherwise.

**Eight Years after that:**

"So, are you going to preach to me about how you're going to defeat me with truth, justice, and the Will of Fire, and about how morality and faith in your comrades will prevail?" the masked ninja asked the teenage boy who stood firmly against him and Madara and their Moon's Eye Plan.

"No," the dark-haired, whisker-cheeked, Cat Sage replied. "You lot are in the way of my plot to take over the world with the Power of Ramen-ttebayo!"

"...And, this is why we **don't** breed with the Uzumaki!" the Edo Tensei Madara groaned as he buried his face in his hands after his brain finally rebooted after actually managing to register his descendant's statement on the fiftieth attempt.

"You know," the Edo Tensei Tobirama said to his brother who had also been summoned from the dead, "This would be absolutely hilarious if so many people hadn't died."


	2. Nagato

"Woohoo! I love Konoha!"

"What's up with Nagato?"

"Some hot older chick turned up out of nowhere, glomped onto him, said something about rebuilding the Uzumaki clan, and dragged him off."

**Ten Months Later:**

"I hate Konoha!"

"What's up with Nagato this time?"

"The Kyuubi attacked Konoha and that Kushina chick died while she was having their baby."

"Oh."

**Twelve Years Later:**

"If it weren't completely impossible, I'd swear that boy was Nagato's son. He looks and acts just like him. Well, I guess they can't all be cheerful and run around yelling 'Dattebane!'."

**Three Years and Change after that:**

"Pain is a powerful motivator and they do say that it's the best teacher, but I just wish that changing the world for the better wouldn't hurt so much."

"Me too son. Me too."

"I'm going to miss them. Some of them were actually..."

"We will always miss those who were taken from us too soon, but we do what we must, and it will all be worth it when people are too tired of death to fight anymore."


	3. Senju Hashirama

"Orochimaru-sama?" a little girl with purplish black hair asked, looking up at her sensei with wide innocent eyes.

"Yes?" Orochimaru asked.

"You know how you're trying to give someone the Shodai Hokage's DNA so they'll better protect Konoha?" Anko asked.

"Yes?" Orochimaru replied, wincing slightly at his student's naivete.

"Why don't you put some of his genetic stuff in the sperm from the sperm bank and make babies with it?" Anko asked.

"That's an incredibly...incredibly...incredibly logical idea and I wonder why I didn't come up with it in the first place." Orochimaru said as a contemplative gleam entered his eyes.

"Of course I'll have to strip all of the original genetic material out first, but...And to think I could've kept all those kids from dying if I'd just..." Orochimaru muttered as he got up and grabbed a notepad in order to put his thoughts in order.

"All what kids?" Anko asked.

"Never you mind." Orochimaru waved her off as he started scribbling down some feasible ideas.

**Two Months later:**

"I'm pregnant!" Kushina yelled as she entered the home she shared with her husband-to-be.

"I'm going to be a father?!" Minato exclaimed as he threw his book aside and raced towards his fiancee.

"Uh, about that..." Kushina said as her initial enthusiasm over her impulsive participation in Orochimaru's genetic experiment had rapidly faded. The man could sell igloos to the residents of Snow Country if you let him talk long enough.

**Eight Months After That:**

"Seriously, why are you even married to her?" the masked ninja who had snatched up Orochimaru's genetic experiment asked. "She's a vicious witch with a mean right hook and this brat obviously isn't yours sensei, er, I mean _Yondaime-sama_."

"Obito?! What the fuck?! I mean seriously, you let me think you were dead for more than a year and then you come and try to kill my step-kid?! My red-headed step-kid. Man am I never going to hear the end of that one..."

**Nearly Thirteen Years After That:**

Tsunade watched Naruto attempt a jutsu that none of her uncles or cousins had managed to replicate with grim determination, trying to win a bet he had no hope of winning. She found that her heart went out to the boy as she watched him try, fail, and try again. There was something about the boy that reminded her of her favorite uncle who had died during the opening days of the Second Shinobi World War. Perhaps it was that, like her uncle, Naruto would work hard and play hard and brought people together, much like her barely-remembered grandfather had done before them.

**Three Years and Change After That:**

"I'm a daddy! Again!" a sobbing Edo-Tensei'd Senju Hashirama exclaimed as he held his youngest son who had been born long after he'd died.

"Daddy!" the boy with long red hair who bore a striking resemblance to the man who was clinging to him with tears in his eyes exclaimed with tears in his own eyes.

"What are you both so happy about?" Obito asked. "It's not like he was there for you while you were growing up."

Both Hashirama and his offspring promptly went from happy crying to completely depressed in a second flat.

"Crap, there's two of them..." Madara and Tobirama simultaneously groaned.


	4. Senju Tobirama

Orochimaru's eyes widened as he saw what was on the shelf gathering dust in the hospital's medical file room. And, to think that it had just been sitting there completely unattended since the First War... Of course it wasn't as valuable as a nearly genetically identical sample had been, but it was still valuable in its own right.

The preservation seals appeared to be intact, but in order to see if it was viable he would need to find a female subject. Preferably a willing one. The unwilling ones tended to try to damage the resulting offspring if they weren't incapacitated. That, and with that serial killer on the loose, too many women were going missing for one more to be ignored, and he didn't need **that** pinned on him, especially considering the fact that he'd stumbled on the man's dumping grounds and there was evidence of his visit since he'd decided to swipe a couple of cadavers that had just been laying there.

**Ten Months Later:**

"Weird, I thought he would've had silver hair." Minato commented as he glanced down at the baby Biwako was cleaning up.

"It's not that surprising." Biwako said as she wrapped the baby in a blanket. "Tobirama took more after his mother in the looks department. Hashirama looked more like their father."

Whatever she was going to say next was cut off as she was killed by a masked intruder.

"What's this about Hashirama and Tobirama?" the masked intruder asked as he looked down at the baby he'd just snatched.

**Twelve Years and Change later:**

"I'm not taking the goddamn hat!" Tsunade drunkenly yelled at Jiraiya as she packed to leave. "By the way, the kid you brought with you is a right bastard! Relative or not, I call it like I see it."

**Four Years After That:**

"So, which one of us do you think he belongs to?" Hashirama asked his brother.

"He looks so much like Father that it's hard to tell." Tobirama replied as he studied the boy who stood his ground against the combined might of the Uchiha.

The boy turned around and bitch-slapped a ninja that had looked like he was going to break and run from the battlefield.

"Shit, he's clearly inherited dad's temper." Tobirama said.

Hashirama just shuddered as Senju Naruto bitch-slapped another fleeing ninja into orbit.


	5. Uchiha Obito

Orochimaru resisted the urge to strangle his student. She could be such a child sometimes, and the fact that she was a child was no excuse. She was a shinobi and therefore should've grown up long ago. He'd been grown-up when he was her age, so there was no reason she couldn't be the same.

Not only that, but he couldn't have people looking more closely at his lab because Anko had thought it would be funny to swap sperm samples that had been sent in by the Uchiha for counting in the hopes of divining the cause of their declining numbers out with the control samples for the experimental fertilization process. The sample that Anko had screwed with should've been sitting in cold storage awaiting examination along with the others after the final sample was received as it had been doing for the last several months, but instead it was gone and there would be no way to get an accurate count for the Uchiha who had trusted him to bring results.

Sighing, he went out to inform the victims of Anko's little prank. This would be doubly painful for Jiraiya's little Minato considering exactly who the sample that Anko had swapped out the control sample for had belonged to.

**Nine Months and Change Later:**

Both Minato and Kushina sobbed as Biwako handed the cleaned up baby to its mother.

"He's beautiful." Minato said sadly.

"Obito should've been here for the birth of his son." Kushina sighed as she stroked one of the black-haired boy's whisker-marked cheeks.

"The birth of my what?!" someone exclaimed from the cave entrance.

**Sixteen Years Later:**

"What the hell is that boy doing?! I should've been resurrected ages ago!" an exceedingly elderly and exceedingly grumpy Uchiha Madara grumbled in the afterlife.

"Aw, come on Madara, it's going to be fun and we're a player short!" a middle-aged Senju Hashirama said as he tried to drag the wrinkled old man off his rock and onto the playing field.

_Meanwhile, in the world of the living_:

"Sorry we're late! We were helping this old lady carry her groceries home when a black cat crossed our path forcing us to take the long way around!" a thirty-one year-old man exclaimed as an out-of-breath sixteen year-old who looked virtually identical to him aside from the whisker marks on his cheeks and the red highlights in his hair trailed behind him.

Hatake Kakashi's hands twitched, as if he would dearly love to strangle the man in front of him.

Minato who was holding one of Naruto's numerous half-siblings smiled as he watched his students' antics. Obito and son were late, Kakashi was like his old self, but with the stick removed from his ass, and he had the large family he and Kushina had talked about. Everything was right with the world.


	6. Deidara's Father

It was the last days of the War, and Kushina had insisted she be allowed to come out onto the field since she'd been "Missing all the action lately". It wasn't much of a battle, especially with him doing most of the mopping up and causing most of Iwa's disheartened forces to break and run, and Kushina could hold her own. But still, he worried...

As he was Hiraishining into a knot of exceedingly stubborn Iwa nin from the Explosion Corps someone from one of the more whacked out fringe elements that he tended to feel sorry for because they often got themselves killed protesting the fighting ran out onto the field.

"Make Love not War!" the man yelled before opening a canister and throwing it into the middle of the melee which was looking to once again be ending in Konoha's favor.

A pink mist escaped from the canister, and moments after it did, all hell broke loose.

Minato's eyes narrowed coldly as Kushina wrapped her arms around a complete stranger who just so happened to be the enemy and started kissing him.

Fellow lover of peace or not, that bastard who had started this mess was so dead when he caught up to him!

**Two Months Later:**

Kushina paced back and forth as she tried to come to a decision. The choice was tearing her up inside. There was a chance that the child was Minato's, but...

But, could she really kill a baby because someone had gone and done something stupid and mean that resulted in its creation? It wasn't a baby yet, but if she let it, it could be...

**Eight Months After That:**

When Minato had seen the blond hair and the blue eyes, he had allowed himself to hope. For the barest instant, his heart had leapt within his chest, and then something small licked his finger, bringing him down to Earth again. Blond was a more common hair color in Earth and Wind. It stood to reason that the baby's father could've been blond like himself.

When Kushina saw the unhappy expression on his face, she began crying.

"Shh, don't do that!" Minato said, trying to calm his wife. "Look, he's a pretty baby, and if I didn't know any better..."

"But, he isn't yours!" Kushina sobbed as a stranger in a mask snatched the small infant out of Minato's hands.

"Whoa! Cheating on you already! I bet my cousin Tekka a hundred ryo that it'd take another year at least! You gotta admit that she's got quite the reputation though..." the man said as he held up the small blanket-wrapped bundle.

Kushina's scream of fury and anger could probably have been heard all the way in Iwa.

"...And, I am outta here! See you next time!" the masked stranger said an instant before he had tossed the baby and ran.

And not a moment too soon, as Kushina had managed to return the Kyuubi to its seal through sheer willpower and now had a crackling aura of its unholy power surrounding her...

**Three Years Later:**

Young Naruto sobbed as he stood by his parents' gravesides holding his baby brother. Behind him, the Sandaime placed a comforting hand on the small boy's shoulder. Off to the side amongst the crowd, Uchiha Fugaku scowled as Minato and Kushina's coffins were lowered into their graves. For three years, Minato had been accusing an unnamed member of his clan of attacking him on the day of Naruto's birth, and now that the Kyuubi had been released and unleashed upon the village, the villagers had come to believe those accusations and had called for sanctions against their clan.

**Thirteen Years After That:**

A blond-haired, blue-eyed boy whose smooth blond hair was tied back in a low ponytail jumped onto the flying clay transport that bore a certain member of the Akatsuki who'd originally been from Iwa on its back.

"Stay away from Menma-ttebayo!" the blond Konoha ninja who looked a great deal like him, probably because he was blond, shrieked in his face as he grabbed his arm, trying to throw his aim off and prevent him from hitting the Kyuubi Jinchuriki with his "Art".

Much to Deidara's surprise, something bit his arm when the younger and smaller ninja had grabbed him. Grabbing the Konoha brat's hand and turning it over, he nearly had a heart-attack over what he saw.

Considering the fact that his clan was virtually extinct, this wasn't too surprising a reaction.

"What are you, un?" he asked as he took in the boy's features and noted a strong resemblance to his barely remembered father who had blown himself up when he was small.

"Your worst nightmare." the boy growled in a manner that could be considered cute as he attempted to break his grip and attack him again.

Oh Gods NO! He'd seen them trailing around the village distracting people, disrupting training, and destroying artwork like this creature was doing now. They constantly demanded food and attention, and did everything they could to get kids in trouble with their parents, and people seemed to like them for some strange reason, even and especially their victims. He'd dreamed that one had trailed after him and that his parents had told him that they liked it better than him, but every time he'd had that dream, he'd woken up to the reality where he was an only child. An only child in a home with one parent, but an only child nonetheless.

Until today that was...

"How the hell did you know that having a little brother was my worst nightmare un?!" he exclaimed.


	7. Sarutobi Hiruzen

"Hmm. It seems like I've grabbed your lunch by mistake." The outgoing Sandaime Hokage said as he took a bite of Kushina's delectable cooking, making Minato's up 'til then stultifyingly boring day just that much worse. "Seeing as I've already started eating it, you may take mine."

"Thank you Hokage-sama." Minato said, taking the bento that had been resting near his own on the desk as a reminder to stop and eat at some point.

"No need to call me Hokage-sama now that you've got the position." Sarutobi Hiruzen said before snagging another bite of the lunch Minato really wanted.

Opening what should've been the Sandaime's lunch, Minato took a quick bite and noted that the meal clearly wasn't store bought. Whoever had made the Sandaime's lunch was an excellent cook, nearly on par with Kushina. He would have to get their recipe for their sardine balls sometime.

"Your wife is an excellent cook." Hiruzen commented.

"Thank you." Minato replied. "If I may ask, who made your lunch?"

"Biwako did." Hiruzen replied, smiling fondly.

"Your wife is an excellent cook as well. Perhaps we should trade sometime." Minato said.

That comment seemed to bring the Sandaime up short.

"Trade what?" the older man asked, looking as if he wasn't sure he'd heard his successor right.

"Wives." Minato said.

Hiruzen started coughing hard, trying and failing to bring the bite that had gone down wrong back up. Minato rushed to his rescue, pounding on his back a few seconds before trying the Heimlich maneuver. A bite of rice hit the desk. Two seconds after it did, an ANBU medic rushed into the office, shoving Minato aside, effectively ending that day's lunch and work for that day.

"I heard there was some excitement in the office." Sarutobi Biwako said she crawled into bed with her husband who had spent the afternoon being watched like a hawk by a small team of medics that evening.

"Minato decided to prove that he was indeed little Jiraiya's student in the middle of lunch." Hiruzen said as he moved closer to his wife.

"What did he do?" Biwako asked.

"He suggested that we swap you and Kushina." Hiruzen replied carefully, bracing for impact as he awaited the incoming explosion.

**Two Days Later:**

"I meant in the kitchen! In the kitchen!" Minato yelled as a certain woman who was in her mid-fifties but didn't really look it pushed him back onto the sofa and began reaching for second base, completely skipping first.

"You should've said so earlier sonny!" Biwako said, laughing as the only prude on Jiraiya's Genin team which had consisted of the female peeper/underwear thief, the kid who retired to make porn films and Minato treated her like a civilian in his feeble attempts to escape.

Across town:

Sarutobi Hiruzen discreetly mopped up the blood that was flowing from his nose as Kushina seated herself on the end of the kitchen table. He still couldn't believe that his and little Minato's wives had agreed to this arrangement.

Kushina shrugged as the Sandaime put his hand on her knee, looking as if he were almost afraid it was a trap. Konoha had some pretty weird customs when it came to sex. Partner swapping had occasionally happened in Uzushiogakure, but back in Uzu such things were usually done in the bedroom. If her husband and the Sandaime wanted it done in the kitchen however, she'd do it in the kitchen.

"Is something wrong?" she asked when her current partner's hand went to her thigh and no further.

"I'm almost afraid that when Biwako comes home, she's going to punish me for cheating on her." Hiruzen replied, removing his hand from Kushina's thigh as an unpleasant vision of a very possible future hit.

"I don't think she will." Kushina replied. "Mikoto said it wasn't cheating if the spouse said it was okay when she asked me to participate in a threesome for Fugaku's birthday."

Kushina giggled when Hiruzen's nosebleed returned full-force a second later.

**Ten Months After That:**

Biwako frowned as she examined the baby that Kushina had given birth to. She had thought that the girl would've had the decency to use birth control during that little spouse swapping fiasco, but that was clearly not the case, seeing as aside from the red hair, the baby looked almost identical to Asuma when he was born.

"I will go and inform my husband of the birth of his son." Biwako said, carefully keeping her voice level as she handed her husband's child to the other midwife.

"Your husband? Aren't you...? I think I'm going to go outside and throw up now." an intruder who had managed to sneak in while everyone was busy with the baby said.

**Twelve Years After That:**

"Good luck Kakashi, you're going to need it." Asuma said as he followed the Hatake out of his father's office with the group of Jounin who had been assigned teams of potential students. There was a rather interesting collision above and behind him as two of the Jounin tried to use the window at the same time.

"That bad huh?" Kakashi said as he moved to walk with the other Jounin and continue the conversation rather than turning in the direction of the memorial where he spent most of his free time when he wasn't on a mission or in the hospital.

"If Naruto didn't look so much like our father, I'd swear that someone had cloned Kushina and turned it male." Asuma replied as he fished a pack of cigarettes from his vest.

Kakashi who had been Kushina's husband's student and therefore knew her better than Asuma who'd met her in passing a few times had winced.

"I'm not even going to give them the test, I'm failing them here and now." Kakashi said.

"Dad'll kill you if you do." Asuma said as he fished a lighter from his pocket.


	8. Uchiha Madara

"Orochimaru-sama?" a little girl with purplish black hair asked, looking up at her sensei with wide innocent eyes.

"Yes?" Orochimaru asked.

"You know how you're trying to give someone the Shodai Hokage's DNA so they'll better protect Konoha?" Anko asked.

"Yes?" Orochimaru replied, wincing slightly at his student's naivete.

"Why don't you put some of his genetic stuff in the sperm from the sperm bank and make babies with it?" Anko asked.

"And risk wasting valuable genetic material on what could be a losing bet, considering the results of the other experiment?" Orochimaru snapped at his student.

"Maybe...Maybe, you could use someone else's stuff to see if it could be done first, that way you'd know." Anko suggested.

"Fine." Orochimaru conceded as plans that looked viable on the surface began to form. "I've got some genetic material that purportedly belonged to Uchiha Madara that I could use."

**One Genetic Experiment Later:**

"Kushina darling, is there something you want to tell me?" Minato asked as he looked down at the baby that his wife had just given birth to.

"Oh, I knew there was something I forgot!" Kushina exclaimed as Biwako cleaned up the baby.

"What did you forget?" Minato asked, carefully keeping his voice level as he decided to see exactly how his wife was going to play this. Pretending to forget an affair was a new one.

"The baby's Uchiha Madara's." Kushina said.

Whatever was going to follow that statement was interrupted by a shocked, horrified, and disgusted sounding "Oh god!" Whirling around, Minato found himself facing a masked stranger who was leaning against a wall and making gagging noises.

"I wouldn't..." Minato started.

The man's sides heaved.

"...Do that if I were you." Minato finished lamely as vomit leaked out of the sides and bottom of the intruder's mask.

A second later, the man started clawing at his head.

"Is something wrong?" Minato asked in concern as the man who still had vomit in his mask sat down and started rocking back and forth and clawing at his head and moaning as if he were in torment.

Though he probably shouldn't have, the instant he had managed to push the Kyuubi back into the seal and it looked like it would stay in, he moved to comfort the intruder who had taken up a corner of the cave where Kushina had given birth to what should've been his son. As he set a hand on the obviously traumatized man's shoulder, a strange looking plant person who looked like he was about Kakashi's age poked his head in through the rock wall.

"What's taking so long?" it asked, the human looking white side of its face looking slightly concerned.

"Madara...The Howling Witch...Sex!" the masked intruder sputtered, though how he was able to speak, much less breath through his vomit filled mask, Minato didn't know. He did however know of only one person who had used "Howling Witch" as a nickname for his wife, a person who was dead and therefore couldn't be sitting there with that disturbingly familiar spiky hair.

"What's sex?" the plant person asked.

"It's when two people...Oh God! Naked!" the poor traumatized intruder said before losing himself in his own little world.

"Teenagers." the plant person grumbled in a different tone than before. "They see a bit of skin and think its the end of the world."

Minato would probably sympathize with the schizophrenic plant person, but out of his students it had only been Obito who would've reacted to sex in that manner. Rin would've taken a more clinical view of the act, and he'd learned a couple months before that Kakashi had been hiding the fact that he was a little pervert when he'd caught the brat watching him and his wife spending some quality alone time together. He'd thrown a book at the kid and told him to get lost, and only recently discovered exactly which book it had been when he'd watched the kid walk past reading a bit of erotic literature he'd been looking for for months when he'd found that it wasn't where he'd remembered leaving it.

"Tobi, I don't know why Madara decided to keep you rather than leave you for dead as he should've considering the waste of resources you've been so far." the plant being said in the voice it had used to complain about teenagers. "You've obviously failed in one of the first tasks you were given. Get up off the floor and get out of here."

The masked intruder who had to be absolutely uncomfortable considering the fact that there was a crust of drying vomit sealing the mask to his face almost woodenly moved to comply.

"You know, I can't just let you leave." Minato said as the intruder made his way to the exit. "There's still the question of exactly how you got in here in the first place, and why the guards haven't done anything about it..."

**Ten Years After That:**

"You'd think they couldn't get a Uchiha to train them." Kakashi grumbled from behind his mask as he snapped his book shut upon entering the Academy property, remembering what Kushina had told him she'd do to him if she ever caught him reading such literature on school grounds.

Seeing as he and two of his students had the Sharingan, he had a feeling that he knew exactly what the team's nickname would be. So did the bookmakers who tended to track the careers of the more promising Academy students for those who liked to bet on such things, seeing as they'd already put the name down.

Minato-sensei's step-son bore something of a resemblance to his teammate who had graduated the Academy two years early alongside him, but that was to be expected considering the fact that Naruto was something along the lines of Sasuke's great or great-great-uncle.

"Meet me on the roof in five minutes." he said to the trio of brats that he was most likely going to fail like the rest seeing as he didn't believe in nepotism when he reached the room where they had been waiting.

Naruto, Sasuke, and the green-haired girl who was two years their senior who had an exceedingly common name that kept slipping his mind moved to follow an instant after he departed.

**Eight Years After That:**

The battlefield was there. It was different than it would've been had things gone to their original plan, but the fact was that plans could change and events could be manipulated to the point that the end result was roughly the same. Tobi was just one minion out of several, and one plan out of half a dozen. His capture and deprogramming by Minato after he'd passed out from asphyxiation on his own vomit, though a setback, didn't destroy the plan entirely.

One big difference was one Uzumaki Naruto who had taken the field not in the name of peace and saving the world with the power of friendship and cooperation, but in the name of vengeance. Despite the efforts made otherwise, Naruto's mother had been one of the Jinchuriki that had been captured. When Madara was fully returned to life rather than being one of a handful brought back by the Edo Tensei, Naruto's smile turned positively vicious.

"Hello father," he said as he moved to face off against Madara directly. "One of us will be leaving this field alive, and it's not going to be you."


	9. Hyuuga Hiwhatever

It was, many agreed, the Party of the Century, topping the one that had followed Konoha's founding by several orders of magnitude. Considering the fact that shinobi tended to get a bit wild when they were letting off steam, and the fact that Konoha's unofficial motto was "Go big, or go home", Konoha was lucky to still be standing when the sun rose.

Namikaze Minato groaned as he awoke, rapidly closing his eyes as the morning sun attempted to stab into his brain via his eyeballs. Deciding that he was up for a little bit of morning playtime even despite the hangover, he rolled over, wrapped an arm around his wife and got the shock of his life. The long hair that he could feel tickling his chest and a few other places was there, but there was a decided lack of breast beneath his hand. Opening his eyes despite the fact that daylight would most assuredly sear them, he found himself looking at a head of long and silky **BLACK** hair.

"Move that hand any lower Minato-kun, and I will use it in an experiment." his sensei's apparently hung over and fortunately very dressed teammate said in a tone of voice that made his blood run cold.

**Across Town:**

Kakashi blinked when he awoke, and then blinked again. The scenery didn't change. He was apparently in a kennel, and from the warmth and the bellows-like breathing at his back, he wasn't alone. Turning over since the sun wasn't doing his eye any favors, he found himself staring down the muzzle of an Inuzuka nin-dog. As he furiously tried to figure out how and why he was where he was, one of the dog's eyes cracked open, and then the dog reached forward and licked him in what looked like it was supposed to be a seductive manner.

Deciding that he didn't want to know and he never wanted to know, he flew out of the kennel as if the hounds of Hades were on his ass and blew down the street, not giving any of the Genin who were out picking up passed-out shinobi a backward glance.

**Elsewhere In Konoha:**

When Uchiha Fugaku's stomach tried to escape via his mouth, he simply leaned over and vomited. Sure, Mikoto would probably kill him for vomiting over the edge of the bed and then bring him back in order to clean it up and then kill him again, but if he acted sick enough and maybe coughed a bit, his wife might clean it up and then fuss over him for the rest of the day and bring him his meals in bed instead. It was as he was in the middle of emptying the contents of his rebellious stomach that he began to notice that his bed was unusually hard and scratchy today, and that his puke was taking an unusually long amount of time to hit the floor. A scream of fury caused his eyes to shoot open, whereupon he rapidly absorbed two facts: A. Rather than being in his bedroom, he was leaning over the edge of a roof. and B. A vomit covered Utatane Koharu was standing directly beneath him.

Not good.

**In An Undisclosed Location In Konoha:**

Danzo frowned. The last thing he'd remembered had been putting an appearance in at that party since, considering who all had been attending, it would've been seen as suspicious if he'd not been there. If only because he should've been there to pause and comment on Hiruzen's drinking habits and those of his students who were somewhere between borderline and full-blown alcoholics and receive a comment from Hiruzen and the little white-haired, loud-mouthed puff-ball who'd grown up to be a giant about how he should get laid in return. Several hours were missing from his memory. Several hours during which he had somehow ended up in bed with Inuzuka Tsume.

As he attempted to extricate himself from the Inuzuka woman's grip, he hissed in pain as several newly acquired wounds on his back decided to make their presence known.

He thought it was supposed to be _cats_ that had claws.

**In a Residence That Would Soon Not Be Nearly So Peaceful and Quiet as It Was Very Soon:**

Nara Shikaku smirked over at Inoichi who smirked back at him. From what he could see, the arrangements were girl, girl, guy, girl, girl, guy, they'd taken a Hyuuga apiece, and Yoshino didn't have a leg to stand on since she was over on Inoichi's far side. The fact that Inoichi's wife couldn't be found in the immediate vicinity was somewhat worrisome however.

_Speak of the devil..._

"Good morning dear! Would you like eggs with your breakfast?" Inoichi's wife loudly called from the doorway in a sweet voice with an edge of poison underneath which sent Shikaku into a heart-stopping panic as the women on the bed - one of whom was Uchiha Mikoto - began to wake up.

**In the Clan Head's Bedroom in the Hyuuga Compound:**

Hyuuga Hiashi blinked when he awoke to find his mirror-image looking back at him. The fact that his brother was in his bed was far less worrisome than the fact that they both were naked. He and his brother had shared a room right up until they had gotten married, and had crawled into each-other's beds often enough that there had been _rumors_. One didn't share exceedingly cramped quarters for nine months without becoming exceedingly close however. Barring an experiment they both swore to never speak of again, they weren't _that_ close however, and the last time they'd slept together naked had been when they'd taken a nap after stripping down and going for a swim in the koi pond when they were three.

A groan from behind him indicated that his wife was waking up and would soon be asking why Hizashi was in their bed. As his wife shifted behind him and wrapped an arm around his midsection, Hizashi's expression turned from the mild bewilderment that he was sure was a mirror of his own to one of absolute horror. Turning to see what had so frightened his brother, he found himself looking not at his wife who should've been in bed with him, but at the girl who had nearly ripped out his liver for having had the temerity to call her "Tomato" to her face back when they were in the Academy.

"Our wives are going to kill us!" Hizashi said, voicing that sinking feeling that had been coursing through him the moment he'd realized that not only was Uzumaki Kushina in his bed, she was also decidedly lacking in the clothing department.

**Five Years Later:**

As Hiashi was walking down the street, leading the small timid creature that he kept having to remind himself was his daughter, not "the reason Hizashi died" to a restaurant, something small barreled into him. If it weren't for the fact that it had steel-grey eyes, whisker marks on its cheeks, and was a good bit smaller, he would've had a hard time telling it apart from Neji.

There was a nervous and uncertain look on the face of the guard that had accompanied him that day as the small creature which was dressed in what were obviously hand-me-downs and filthy ones at that fell backwards and landed on its rump. Further investigation had revealed that his and Hinata's guards had usually managed to clear the boy from the area before the two of them arrived. Since the genes for the Byakugan were carried on the X Chromosome - hence why Hinata had been taken - the Uzumaki boy could never be a true Hyuuga, and the clan had hoped to keep him and his immediate family from being reminded of his and Hizashi's "unfortunate mistake".

**Seven Years After That:**

Neji didn't and probably would never know if the Uzumaki boy was his brother or his cousin, but as far as he was concerned, it didn't matter. Despite the fact that the clan had thrown him aside like garbage as they had done his own father, Naruto - seriously, who names their kid after a ramen topping? - had sided with Hinata. Looking down at the brat who could've passed for a Hyuuga if it weren't for those freakish eyes of his, he prepared to prove to the boy that when one was a loser, they would always be a loser...

**Four Years After That:**

"Hinata-sama!" Naruto screamed, feeling the Kyuubi's power and wrath rise up from the seal.

Two tails, four, six, eight, far more than his mind could handle and he found himself before the seal holding the flimsy paper that held the doors to the Kyuubi's cage closed. As he began to pull the seal from the bars, a hand moved to stop him. Turning to see who it was, he found himself looking up at the Yondaime Hokage.

He wasn't in the mood to listen to anything the blond had to say however. Hinata-sama had...Hinata-sama was...Because of him, because she had thought of him as family, Hinata-sama had died.

The seal paper made no noise as it slid free of the bars of the Kyuubi's cage.


End file.
